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Talk about it!by Valerie Frankel, MFTYolo Hospice Stepping Stones Coordinator My kids have been through the death of an uncle and the death of a dog. This may sound strange, but their responses to both events were similar: they were sad, needed to talk about it at times and went on being kids. Now, years later, they randomly bring up their uncle or the dog. We repeat the story of our dog and how she died. For what seems the hundredth time, I tell myself that they need to hear it. I grow tired of telling them about my brother’s car accident. I again tell myself, they need to hear it. It’s very similar to children wanting to hear about the day they were born. Death stories are important too. We can’t control when people die, yet we can control how to live afterward and part of living is how to talk about the death. To answer some common questions about how to support children who have recently experienced the death of a loved one, here are some ideas that I’ve found useful. These are not the only answers; based on your cultural, religious, spiritual or other beliefs, you may have other answers. May I use the word “dead” with my child? Do I let my child go to the funeral? If you take your children, talk with them about what to expect before getting there. For example, if there’s going to be a casket, explain what that is, and what it will look like. Discuss what happens during a funeral. Let your children know they can tell you if they don’t want to do something or if they become uncomfortable. It is a good idea to have someone available to take them home in case the event becomes overwhelming or too long. When are my children going to get over this? I’ve heard about stages of grief; does this mean when my child is finished with the stages he/she is better? What can I say to my child or teen to help them through their grief process? Instead, try to keep it simple and real. Say: “I love you,” “our family is going to be okay,” “I’m here when you need me.” In time, by answering their questions and retelling stories, you and your family will grow to know new strength and hope for the future. Stepping Stones, a youth program of Yolo Hospice, is specifically designed to help children, teens and families cope with the terminal illness or death of a loved one. For more information on how to get help for your child, please call Valerie Frankel, Stepping Stones Program Coordinator at (530) 758-5566.
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