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A message to those who mourn and those who care about them

by Rev. Janet Mueller
Yolo Hospice Chaplain

Most of us are uncomfortable with mourning, our own or another’s. This discomfort is t’s reflected in our death-denying culture’s desire for people to “get better,” as if normal grieving were an illness. People who don’t cry we call strong. We want to know that the survivor is “holding up”. We tell mourners their loved one is in a better place, which once provoked a widow to scream, “I don’t want him in another place! I want him here, with me.” We say, “At least you have other children,” or “I know exactly how you feel.”  We stop talking about the deceased, making mourners feel there’s something wrong with them when they are sad long after the death.

Ironically, mourning is something we’ve all done, to one degree or another, since birth. It’s a normal, natural part of life and almost always involves loss or separation. Through our lives we mourn lost comfort, toys, innocence and opportunities. Each loss helps us to develop strength and recognize what we do have, reminding us to live fully.

Grieving takes time, and is hard work. Mourners often feel exhausted. Experience teaches us that sorrow mellows–we’ll eventually be able to think of our loved one without sadness–but first we must feel the pain.

For some people, grieving looks like doing something physically strenuous, while for others it may require hiding in bed for days. Mourners may want to talk about their loved one and their pain till they are tired of hearing themselves talk, or they may want to be left alone in silence. Some bereaved put in longer hours at work and keep busy while others withdraw, unable to focus on familiar tasks. Trouble in families can start when members mourn differently and are unable to recognize, understand and honor their differing needs.

When the deceased was physically or emotionally abusive, when there have been several deaths close together, when death was the result of suicide, an accident or crime, or when the grieving process was repressed, grief may become complicated grief and might require professional therapy. However, for most people grieving merely takes time.

How can others help? Comfort may look like a casserole, a card or phone call to say, “I’ve been thinking about you” or an offer to help with a chore and then showing up. It rarely looks like, “if you need anything just call,” because the griever may not quite know what to ask for. It means issuing invitations, but not insisting or taking offence when the griever declines or cancels. It means refraining from platitudes that make us feel good about ourselves but rarely comfort the one who mourns. Sadness in others may be uncomfortable and inconvenient, but mourners don’t need to get over it so we feel better. They need to feel what they feel and take as long as they need doing so.

If you are mourning, the hurt may seem overwhelming, scary or unbearable. You are not crazy; you will not always feel this way. You will grow stronger. And you will gain wisdom and understanding that only come through grieving.

In the meantime cut yourself some slack. Allow others to reach out to you when you feel able–you do not need to carry this burden alone. But allow yourself solitude when you need that, too. It’s ok to cry and it’s okay not to. It’s okay to feel angry, jealous, lonely, relieved. Your feeling are what they are, neither right nor wrong. You do not need to feign strength for others. Healing will come. What you need is to move with the pain, not succumb to it, and come out on the other side.

For those who would like support through their grieving process, help is available. Yolo Hospice offers individual grief counseling sessions and bereavement groups that are open to all in the community who have lost someone they love. There is no charge for this service. We also have a lending library of books, pamphlets and videos for all ages. To learn more call Yolo Hospice at 758-5566.

Janet Mueller is an ordained minister in the UnitedMethodistChurch specializing in health care ministries. As a Yolo Hospice chaplain, Mueller visits patients of all faiths and no faith to listen and to simply be present in their lives.

 

 

 

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Quotes

Judy Norton
"Coping with terminal illness is all consuming for patient and family. As a hospice nurse, I feel it is most important to advocate, respect and use the knowledge we have to make the end of life the most comfortable it can be while always keeping in mind the unique needs of each patient."
~Jody Norton, RN