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by Valerie Frankel, MFT
Yolo Hospice Stepping Stones Coordinator

My kids have been through the death of an uncle and the death of a dog.  This may sound strange, but their responses to both events were similar: they were sad, needed to talk about it at times and went on being kids. Now, years later, they randomly bring up their uncle or the dog.  We repeat the story of our dog and how she died.  For what seems the hundredth time, I tell myself that they need to hear it.  I grow tired of telling them about my brother’s car accident.  I again tell myself, they need to hear it.  It’s very similar to children wanting to hear about the day they were born. Death stories are important too.  We can’t control when people die, yet we can control how to live afterward and part of living is how to talk about the death.

To answer some common questions about how to support children who have recently experienced the death of a loved one, here are some ideas that I’ve found useful.  These are not the only answers; based on your cultural, religious, spiritual or other beliefs, you may have other answers.

May I use the word “dead” with my child?
Yes!  Please do.  Saying we “lost” grandpa doesn’t give a clear picture to a 6-year old who may think grandpa needs to be found.  Saying “passed away,” “gone” or “grandpa went to sleep” are other explanations that may be confusing to children.  It takes more energy to explain “Grandpa’s no longer with us” than it does to say “Grandpa died.”

Do I let my child go to the funeral?
As parents, we often want to protect our children from funerals, thinking it will be too hard for them.  Allowing children to attend funerals can have benefits. Funerals give children an important opportunity to have closure and a chance to experience the community honoring the person who died.  Children are visual and tactile.  To see the funeral or burial process, even feel the dirt of the gravesite, may be important to your child.  However, children who absolutely don’t want to go should not be forced.

If you take your children, talk with them about what to expect before getting there. For example, if there’s going to be a casket, explain what that is, and what it will look like. Discuss what happens during a funeral. Let your children know they can tell you if they don’t want to do something or if they become uncomfortable. It is a good idea to have someone available to take them home in case the event becomes overwhelming or too long.

When are my children going to get over this?
The goal is not to “get over a death”; the goal is to learn to assimilate the loss into your everyday life.  We go through the process of grieving and we learn to live with the death as an experience that doesn’t need to be forgotten or completed.

I’ve heard about stages of grief; does this mean when my child is finished with the stages he/she is better?
Grief is not a concrete set of stages where we move from one to the next.  There are common feelings and experiences associated with grief.  We need to ride the roller coaster with our children, as some days may feel more hopeful and some full of anger or despair.  Children tend to move in and out of grief, feeling sad one moment and running out to play the next. 

What can I say to my child or teen to help them through their grief process?
In our efforts to help, we can say some things that are not helpful to children. Common mistakes include saying: “be strong,” “don’t think about it,” “move on,” and “just stay busy.”

Instead, try to keep it simple and real. Say: “I love you,”  “our family is going to be okay,” “I’m here when you need me.”  In time, by answering their questions and retelling stories, you and your family will grow to know new strength and hope for the future.

Stepping Stones, a youth program of Yolo Hospice, is specifically designed to help children, teens and families cope with the terminal illness or death of a loved one.  For more information on how to get help for your child, please call Valerie Frankel, Stepping Stones Program Coordinator at (530) 758-5566.

 

 

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Ted Skiera
"I've worked for 20+ years in cardiovascular and oncology nursing, most recently working as a nurse coordinator in cardiovascular research. My work with Yolo Hospice has enabled me to focus all of my acute clinical experiences into caring for patients, and their loved ones, during a most challenging period of their lives."
~Ted Skiera, RN