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Tips for helping Children work through grief

People often ask me how I can work with kids who are grieving.  Isn’t it depressing?  Isn’t it too sad?  My answer is surprising to them. It’s actually hopeful. To be part of a conversation with a child about their grief experience is an honor.  To see them start to make sense of their life when it’s been turned upside down because of a death is remarkable.  Kids are often much more open to talking about death than the rest of us.

We can’t hide them from it.  Loss is everywhere. Losing a favorite toy, parents getting divorced, even realizing there’s no such thing as the tooth fairy are all losses.  Kids learn about death by squashing a bug. They hear about it from kids on the playground.  They experience it when their dog dies. And, sadly, they get to know death first hand when they suffer their own loss of a special person in their life. 

As parents, we want to know we are handling each situation the best way possible. We don’t want to hurt our children further in the process.  There’s nothing like a death to challenge our parenting skills.  How do I tell my child?  How much do I tell my child?  What if they don’t want to talk?  Will this scar them forever?

First, take a breath.  Children are resilient and whatever they are experiencing, whether it’s the loss of the family pet or the death of grandpa, if they were doing well before the death and have support after the death, they will probably be okay.  Second, here are some tips to help work through the situation together:

• Talk about the death, giving information that is simple, honest, age appropriate and concrete.  Let other adults (teachers, family members, coaches) in your child’s life know how you’ve explained the death, so they can use similar information if you child talks to them.
• Let go of your own expectations about how you think your child “should” be grieving.  We all handle hard times differently. It’s completely natural for a child to want to go out and play even if a death has occurred. 
• Keep life’s routines as normal as possible. This provides security even through hard times.
• Notice any changes in behavior and/or physical symptoms.  These are common ways children express their grief.
• Be okay with the wide range of emotions that children may feel about the death, especially anger and sadness. The more they see you are okay with the intense feelings, the more they will be too. 
• Simply “be” with your child, even if he/she doesn’t want to talk about the death.  Even silence can feel supportive to a child. 
• Do some art together. Sometimes a child can say volumes in a drawing or painting. 
• If your child wants to bury the pet goldfish in the backyard, go for it.  This gives them a chance to say goodbye and show their love for their pet.

Lastly, ask for help from a professional if you or your child needs it.  You don’t have to figure this out alone, especially if this is a traumatic experience for your family.  Chances are if your child is grieving, so are you.  Don’t expect to be the perfect parent right now.  Remember children are resilient and there’s no parenting manual on how to handle grief perfectly in each situation.  The more support you get for yourself, the more support your child will feel.  

Stepping Stones, a youth program of Yolo Hospice, is specifically designed to help children, teens, and families cope with the terminal illness or death of a loved one.  We can answer questions about the grief experience or provide helpful information about how to cope with loss and illness and to make meaning out of these life-changing events.

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