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The Grief Cycle
July 2008 Enterprise article by Mary Odbert
When you search the keyword grief in the online Library of Congress you get back 3,265 library entries. Grief, especially after the loss of a loved one, is a universal, yet unique experience. Finding ways to live with grief and work through the intensity of it has been the focus of many cultures and religions. Many modern day psychiatrists and psychologists have devoted themselves to the study of it. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross was a pioneer in the area of death and dying giving us the keys to understanding the grief process in her book “On Death and Dying” published in 1969.
Kubler-Ross’ five phases of grief resonated throughout the United States. Her now famous five phases of grief are: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Colleges taught them. Counselors helped many people through their grief with them. But theses phases may also have left others with a misunderstanding about grief. Grief is not an easy 5-step process. Despite the fact that most of us deal with grief in our lives, it does not manifest the same way for everyone.
Current research and counseling emphasizes that grief is an individual experience. We now know grief is a “process influenced by many factors such as our relationship with the person who died, the ways we cope, the nature of the death, as well as a range of social, spiritual and cultural factors (Kenneth J. Doka, Journeys, May 2008).”
“The greatest gift we can give to another in grief is to listen compassionately and try to understand the loss in their lives,” said Denise Rose, M.S., Yolo Hospice Bereavement Counselor. “Many bereaved individuals express frustration at well-meaning family and friends unintentionally minimizing their loss or telling them what they should feel, and when they should be over their loss. If you are supporting someone in grief, be there for them and listen. If it feels appropriate, share from your own experience and offer what has been most helpful to you.”
Grief is an uncharted, winding path. When you grieve, it's part of the normal process of reacting to a loss. You may experience grief as a mental, physical, social or emotional reaction. Mental reactions can include anger, guilt, anxiety, sadness and despair. Physical reactions can include sleeping problems, changes in appetite, physical problems or illness. Even hallucinations may be normal early in grief.
There is no timeline on grief. Its intensity will vary and lessen as time goes by. It does not go away. Over time it is less present in our day to day lives, but may become acute at moments even years later.
One of the keys to living a healthy, happy life with loss is acknowledging the loss and taking opportunities to grieve. Grief counseling gives you opportunities to grieve, and helps you manage and function in your grief. Counseling facilitates expression of emotion and thought about the loss, including sadness, anxiety, anger, loneliness, guilt, relief, isolation, confusion, or numbness. It includes thinking creatively about the challenges that follow loss, and coping with real changes in your life.
Grief counseling is for anyone who wants it -- immediately after your loss or later. However, if a year or two after your loss, you are not functioning in your job, or are using alcohol or drugs to deal with your grief, please seek counseling. For those experiencing loss, here are a few suggestions that have helped others grieve.
- Express feelings of grief and loss, if not to a counselor, then to friends and family
- Cry
- Write a letter to the person you’ve lost
- Plan a ceremony to honor them and the part of your life you’ve lost with them
- Design a photography/scrapbook project on the loved one who has died
- Contribute/volunteer to help others
- Prepare for the difference you’ll find in anniversaries and holidays especially the 1st year
- Count your blessings
The more significant the loss, the more intense the grief is likely to be. Be understanding of others suffering through a loss and support them. If you have lost someone you love, allow yourself to grieve.
Yolo Hospice provides bereavement counseling services individually and through support groups to members of the community. |
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