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Helping a grieving friend during the holidaysby Pam EimersHolidays are festive times steeped with traditions – rituals that often revolve around those dearest to us. But for those who have recently lost a loved one, the holidays – especially the first one after the death – can be anything but festive. For those whose loss was long ago, periods of grieving can recur annually during significant times. Often family members, friends and co-workers are unsure how to act around, or what to say to those affected by a recent loss, and may not even think about past losses. “I felt invisible,” comments a wife describing her first holiday without her husband of 33 years. “Even friends avoided me that first year – some would pretend they didn’t see me when out in public,” she continues. “I know they didn’t mean to hurt me, they just didn’t know what to say.” “It’s common,” says Robyn Burris, Bereavement Services Manager with Yolo Hospice, “to simply avoid the subject. We worry we’ll say the wrong thing; but saying something is better than avoiding the grieving person.” A person who is grieving is yearning to know you care. What you say is less important than acknowledging their loss. “Sharing a memory,” says Burris, “is one of the best ways to connect with someone who has experienced a loss.” Yolo Hospice offers these suggestions to help you be supportive of all those around you who may be feeling the poignant loss of someone special: Be supportive of the way the person chooses to handle the holidays. Some may wish to follow traditions; others may find these rituals too painful or burdensome and may wish to change or forgo celebrating altogether. There is no right or wrong way to handle the holidays. Offer to help with something specific such as cooking, shopping, and decorating or another chore that may seem overwhelming at this time. Offer to bring dinner or to run errands on a specific day. A helping hand and the presence of a caring friend are gifts beyond measure. Invite the person to join you in your holiday activities. Don’t assume someone else will. Even an awkward acknowledgement of their pain and an invitation – that they may turn down – is better than being ignored. Remember that those who have lost a spouse, parent, child, sibling or other close family member or friend in the past may experience intense feeling of sadness during the holidays, even though other times of the year they manage well. Knowing what to say can be difficult. We offer these ideas, but rest assured that any words said in kindness are well received. DO SAY: “I know you must be hurting.” This validates the person’s feelings and opens the door to talk about whatever is on his/her mind. DO SAY: “I’ve been thinking a lot about you and (name of deceased).” “I remember how much (name) really enjoyed the holidays/singing in the choir.”
DO SAY: “Crying can really help.” Sit quietly with the person, hold his/her hand or give a hug. If the person feels like talking, listen.
DO SAY: “I will keep you in my prayers,” if you do pray.
Yolo Hospice offers individual and group counseling to anyone in the community who has experienced a loss. We also maintain a resource library. Please call 758-5566. To learn more about the services of Yolo Hospice, or about volunteer opportunities, visit our website at yolohospice.org.
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Quotes "What I am always taken by in this work is people's willingness to become exactly who they are - to be real and completely present to what each moment brings, as if each moment were a gift." ~Judy Alexander, RN, CHPN, Director of Patient Care Services |
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Copyright ©2008 Yolo Hospice | yolohospice.org Yolo Hospice is a qualified US-based 501(c)(3) organization |
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