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Busy Families Caring for aging parents

by Mary Odbert

Special to The Enterprise
Published: September 21, 2008


Women have been trying to "have it all" for decades. The desire for career and family balance is common. The quest to maintain and achieve it has extended to become a goal for both men and women.

Most of us have been successful in achieving the goal to varying degrees. Balance, after all, is a continuous act. After becoming comfortable with the quest, a new challenge faces many of us. How do we have it all while adding the care of aging parents into an already overly busy life?

The expanded family unit has expanded needs. These expanding needs include considerable pull on available time for extracurricular activities, running errands, and caring for kids, automobiles and homes. There are personal, social and economic costs to the family.

The demands of caregiving for aging parents touch all parts of modern society — family, government, business. Family members are now responsible for 80 percent of elder care in the United States, according to the American Association of Retired Persons.

It has become and will become a pervasive workplace issue as well. Time off may be needed for doctor appointments not just for yourself and the children, but also for parents and in-laws. Some workplaces are beginning to respond. Most workplaces, though, are only beginning to think about the impact of caregiving and the needs of their employees in the dynamic.

It is good to start thinking about these things now. This is by no means a situation facing only a few people. Life expectancy is now 82 years for the average woman, and close to that for a man. We are living longer and — thanks to improvements in care — living and functioning longer with illness and disease. It has dramatically increased the need for family caregivers and for adult children to take on roles traditional to the parent.

The role reversal starts with questions like "should Mom be doing that?" "Should Dad still be driving?" "Are they safe living on their own?" The answer to the questions may be the most difficult when the answer is no. How do you go on from there?

These are questions concerned adult children think about eventually, discuss with each other and then with their parents. There are organizations that can help you make those decisions together, but the decisions are still yours.

They are necessary questions that can be overwhelming and some may force you to act. There are other questions to be asked that don't come as readily to mind, but are just as important and critical to the family's future. These questions include health care and issues about life's end.

It is never easy to talk about life-end issues and the specifics of a life-limiting illness. However, don't wait to guess what your parents or spouse would want — find out now. Guessing makes an already traumatic experience more so. It can create unnecessary tension between family members. In addition, not knowing puts a burden on those making the decisions.

At Yolo Hospice, we encourage people to discuss end-of-life care issues and prepare for them. The time to discuss your views about end-of-life care and to learn about available end-of-life care options is before a life–threatening illness or crisis occurs.

By preparing in advance, you can avoid some of the uncertainty and anxiety associated with not knowing what your loved ones want. We believe there are a number of steps you can take to discuss these issues now.

We have a special tool to help. "Five Wishes" is an advance-directive form that allows you to specify exactly how you want to be treated if you have an accident or life-limiting illness. It also allows you to name the person you want to make health-care decisions for you if you are unable to make them yourself. This easy-to-complete form is valid in 40 states, including California, and does not require the assistance of an attorney. It can be updated or changed at any time. "Five Wishes" is not just for seniors — it is for anyone 18 or older.

The way to have it all is to do your best to prepare for it. Think now about what you'll need to know for your extended family's future. The "Five Wishes" advance directive forms are available free from Yolo Hospice. We are also available to talk to a community group about the subject through our speaker's bureau.

Call Yolo Hospice at (530) 758-5566 for more information on either issue. — Mary Odbert is Yolo Hospice's public relations representative. This column appears monthly.

 

 

 

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Quotes

Judy Norton
"Coping with terminal illness is all consuming for patient and family. As a hospice nurse, I feel it is most important to advocate, respect and use the knowledge we have to make the end of life the most comfortable it can be while always keeping in mind the unique needs of each patient."
~Jody Norton, RN