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Sympathy Cards Mean Much to Bereaved

by Mary Odbert

The note said, “I have such fond memories of Dick and I playing up in the old barn.”  She remembered many things about the note, the small, tight scrawl, how it stood out on the opening page of the sympathy card, and how opposite, under the card’s preprinted lines, was the name Harriman. “Twenty years after my dad’s death, I still remember this simple expression of grief and sympathy,” said Pam, Dick’s daughter. “Harriman was our banker, and a childhood friend of my father’s. Clearly, his memories of my Dad reached back to before my time.”

Through Harriman’s note, a window opened into Pam’s father’s past, and introduced her to an aspect of the quiet, professional banker she hadn’t known. Of all the cards that touched her life during that sad, this is the only one that stands out in her memory today.

“I’ve heard this often,” says Denise Rose, M.S., Yolo Hospice Bereavement Counselor. “In some cases, a condolence card is your only opportunity to offer comfort to a grieving family. Being able to touch those cards, read them again and know their loved one was important to others, too, is a tremendous comfort to the bereaved.”

Feeling uncomfortable or uncertain about what to say, we may put off the task of writing the note, then forget about it altogether. Because of our own discomfort, the bereaved can be left feeling hurt, ignored or alone.

Writing a note of condolence can be difficult. Fortunately, there are many cards available to provide the words we frequently have difficulty finding. Adding a few personal words from your heart can offer more to the bereaved family than you may ever know.

“It meant so much to me to read what others felt about Sue,” said one mother of her 31-year-old daughter who died of cancer. “Their memories added to the picture I hold of her today, and I’m so proud of the woman my little girl had become.”

Here are a few ideas to help those who suffer writers block when faced with a blank card. Be sure what you say is personal and is honest.

  • I’m so sorry that John has died. I will miss him.
  • I don’t know how to put my feelings into words. (Many times we feel this way and it is ok to say so.)
  • Jane was always so generous, funny and caring; I’m so sorry she has passed away.
  • We will miss Jane; she touched so many lives. (Tell how she touched your life or leave it like this.)
  • We will keep you in our thoughts and will call you next week to see if we can help in any way.  (Rather than telling the bereaved to call if they need anything, which they most likely will not, offer specific help or availability.)
  • I will remember John fondly.
  • I enjoyed doing business with John. He was always helpful and sincere.

 

Those few additional lines about your relationship or a memory you have of the deceased is a personal touch with tremendous meaning. Stories about their loved ones comfort grieving family members or friends. They benefit from seeing their loved one through the eyes of others. One or two lines are often enough.

Even months after a death, condolence cards may be appreciated. It is likely your note will be more cherished because you continue to think of their loved one while it seems to them others have moved on.

“So many people commented on my dad’s sense of humor,” recalls an adult daughter, “yet that was not the side of himself that he shared with us. I’ve gained a new appreciation for my dad – and discovered another aspect of his life,” she says without regret.

Ask any hospice worker will likely tell you what gives them pleasure and satisfaction are the life stories the patients and their families share. In the end, that is what is most important to us all -- the relationships and the shared experiences that shaped them. A condolence card can confirm and remind us of those treasured, life-affirming moments.

 

 

 

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Judy Alexander
"What I am always taken by in this work is people's willingness to become exactly who they are - to be real and completely present to what each moment brings, as if each moment were a gift."
~Judy Alexander, RN, CHPN, Director of Patient Care Services