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Unrecognized Grief

by Mary Odbert

Often when an illness is diagnosed, you begin to mourn the very real losses caused by the illness and those yet-to-come. It is referred to as anticipatory grief. It is as real and life altering as any other grief, yet it often goes unrecognized in both the person who is ill and that person’s loved ones.

In the case of a life-limiting diagnosis, almost everyone, the one diagnosed and his or her loved ones, experience anticipatory grief. Living in anticipation of a death while balancing a perfectly natural hope for continued life, plus the physical stresses brought on by the illness itself makes for a traumatic situation that can cause grief.

“Anticipatory grief is powerful,” said Suzanne Trygar, M.S.W., Yolo Hospice Manager of Social Work and Chaplaincy. “Yet, some people go through it without realizing their feelings and experience are a form of grief. By understanding what’s happening, you can get the support you need. People dealing with it will go through the five phases of grief during anticipatory grief and will go through them again after the death. Support will be critical in both before and after the loss.”

The five phases of grief are denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. You can go through these phases in any order and spend a long time in one phase and a short amount of time in another. Each person’s process is different. Going through these phases in anticipatory grief does not change the process after the death.

A life limiting illness can require a complete change in how your life is lived. Anticipatory grief arises from the loss of many things connected to the changes. There are intangible losses like self-image – a healthy, active person to a person with an illness, or someone who always cares for others to someone who needs assistance. There are also tangible fears, particularly for the caregivers. They are afraid they don’t know how to do the jobs of the ill person such as paying the bills, or bringing in replacement income. Both the patient and caregivers may grieve the loss of hopes and dreams and of plans that are no longer possible.

“Acknowledging that anticipatory grief is a natural part of the process and that it is OK to experience it are important points to make with anyone in this situation,” said Trygar. “After that it is important to work on practical solutions to try to alleviate some of their very real concerns.”

Grief of any kind can take its toll on your energy and strength. Yet, people can feel guilty taking personal time when there is an illness in the family. It is important to care for yourself and your loved ones while dealing with anticipatory grief. Make sure you:

  • Get appropriate, regular exercise (discuss what’s right for you with your doctor).
  • Get sufficient sleep.
  • Express your feelings. For some it means talking to a friend or counselors, for others it is praying, painting, journaling, etc.
  • Try to take time each day to just be quiet and think of positive things in your life.
  • Limit your intake of sugars and caffeine.

Yolo Hospice provides bereavement counseling services individually and through support groups to members of the community. You can visit our website at www.yolohospice.org or call 530-758-5566 for more information.

 

 

 

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Ted Skiera
"I've worked for 20+ years in cardiovascular and oncology nursing, most recently working as a nurse coordinator in cardiovascular research. My work with Yolo Hospice has enabled me to focus all of my acute clinical experiences into caring for patients, and their loved ones, during a most challenging period of their lives."
~Ted Skiera, RN