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Visits need not be scary

December 2007 Enterprise article by Mary Odbert

Many people have fears about visiting friends and family who are sick or dying. Yet, Yolo Hospice volunteers walk directly into these situations.  So who knows better than a hospice volunteer what to do when visiting someone who is seriously ill? I asked some of them what they’d recommend.

First, it is OK to decide not to go visit. Send a note or flowers saying you’re thinking or praying for them instead. “Send cards and photos frequently,” recommends Lauren Ayala, Yolo Hospice volunteer. “It is important for people to know others care and love them.”

“You have to decide for yourself if you are willing to be seen as less than having it all together,” said Jim Ernst, a recent Yolo Hospice volunteer. “I think most people can.”

Jim’s comment gets to the heart of it. We’re basically afraid we won’t know what to say or might embarrass ourselves by crying or saying the wrong thing. Sharing your feelings and being out of your depth shouldn’t embarrass you. I spoke to a number of different Yolo Hospice volunteers about this subject. All of them assured me that being genuine and expressing emotion is OK.

“You don’t have to be a rock,” said Eileen Ojakangas, long time Yolo Hospice volunteer.  “If you have tears, let them go. Your friend will probably console you.”

The point of the visit is to show you care and that your friend is loved. Your visit does not need to be profound, but can be a distraction for them. Someone who has been confined to the house or hospital bed is very ready for a distraction from their wallpaper, the TV, possibly their family and likely their thoughts.

Call before you visit. At home or in a care facility, your friend may have medical procedures, a daily regimen or a bad day. It’s always a good idea to check before visiting.

The conversation seems to be one of the biggest concerns about visiting those who are ill. “You look good” and “How are you?” are generally out as conversation openers. They are so common and automatic that not being able to use them leaves us feeling bereft of anything to say, but that’s an illusion. You have an existing relationship with this person. Don’t let the illness disrupt your friendship anymore than necessary. 

Eileen recommends continuing the conversation by bringing up something from your shared past. You could start something like, “The other day I was thinking about that time we …” Mentally, take a few of those reminisces with you in case the conversation bogs down.

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Quotes

Ted Skiera
"I've worked for 20+ years in cardiovascular and oncology nursing, most recently working as a nurse coordinator in cardiovascular research. My work with Yolo Hospice has enabled me to focus all of my acute clinical experiences into caring for patients, and their loved ones, during a most challenging period of their lives."
~Ted Skiera, RN